By: Toni Crawford

I met him through one of my brothers. He was attractive, working, a Christian—and not to mention about five or six years older than me. I’m grateful that my brother spoke highly of me, and that it sparked his interest. But as I got to know him through talking and dating over the years, I honestly wish I would have avoided him sooner.

To be truthful, I don’t recall us ever becoming exclusive. I don’t remember him asking me to be his girlfriend, but I do remember calling him my boyfriend when I introduced him to others. Crazy, right?

I was doing my best to be a good Christian young woman and to set boundaries. Some of the things I was clear about were:

1. I would not go to his house alone.
2. No kissing until marriage.
3. No sex until marriage.

Unfortunately, boundary number two was crossed after a lovely Valentine’s Day dinner. We were standing outside my front door, and it just happened. I felt giddy, shocked, and ashamed all at once. I remember trying to rush into the house to flee from more temptation, and he said, “Wait,” and stopped me. I don’t recall a second kiss, though it’s possible—but that was the only time I clearly remember kissing him.

Some people might have called me strict, super-saved, deep, or overly religious—but I was serious about pleasing God. I didn’t want any man to come between the most important relationship of all: my relationship with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

This relationship was on and off. I remember one time we parted ways because he lost his job and felt that a man shouldn’t be dating if he wasn’t working. I can’t remember all the other reasons, but over time, the relationship—or whatever it was—started to feel draining, pointless, and unpromising. I knew I needed help from the Lord, and help I did receive.

I prayed and felt proud of myself for remaining pure and maintaining my standards. Still, I was all in—hoping this man would become my husband. Around that time, the Lord allowed me to start having dreams about him.

The dreams.

One dream, which I have no doubt came from the Lord, showed us in a car. He was driving, and we were going in circles. At first, I didn’t understand it, but then it became clear: Toni, you’re going nowhere. There was no destination—just movement without progress.

In another dream, we were outside. He was facing me, walking backward as he stared at me, slowly walking away. I just stood there watching him leave.

I can’t remember whether I ended things or if he did, but eventually, the relationship came to an end. Healing took time.

Healing is necessary—and it’s comforting to know that healing for the soul exists.

The Bible says:

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

—Psalm 34:18

I was truly brokenhearted and crushed in spirit. Why? Because I felt like I had done everything right as a young Christian woman. I didn’t have sex. I kissed him maybe once or twice. I didn’t go to his house. I had standards—and yet, I still felt like I got the short end of the stick.

It made me question, What was the point of being a good Christian woman? I shouldn’t have felt that way, but my flesh got the best of me. Being a Christian doesn’t mean we’ll get everything we want.

The Bible reminds us:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

—Jeremiah 29:11

Looking back, I wasn’t wrong for desiring marriage—but I was wrong for feeling entitled to it.

The Bible also says:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.”

—Proverbs 3:5–6

It took years for me to fully get over him. I cried. I prayed. And then I cried some more. I remember telling the Lord, If I ever run into him again and he’s married, then I’ll know for sure it’s done. I guess I wanted more confirmation—even though the dreams were already enough.

Not long after our final breakup, he got married. I found that very interesting. Of course, thoughts crossed my mind—Were you dating someone else while we were together?—but regardless, it was confirmation. It was truly a done deal.

I share this story not because I’ve always gotten it right as a Christian woman seeking love. Years later, I did stumble. My standards weren’t as high as they once were—possibly a result of this very relationship. Maybe I’ll share that story in a future blog.

What I’ve learned is this: our Heavenly Father is amazing. He sees all things and knows all things. He was protecting me because He knew what was best.

Was my heart broken? Absolutely.

But God healed my broken heart.

He helped me forgive.

And He allowed me to truly move on.

I could say so much more, but I’ll end with this: if you want to know whether someone is a good fit for you—dig deep. It really is that serious. Pray and ask the Lord to reveal His good and perfect will for your life, and He will reveal it in due time.

Amen.