By: Toni Crawford

Have you ever done something that still haunts you—something that seems to bully you to this day—something you wish you could take back? If so, you’re not alone.

When I was a teenager, my desire to remain a virgin until marriage weighed heavily on my heart. I was raised in the church, and my faith played a major role in my decision to stay pure. However, when I turned twenty—at least I believe that was the age—my curiosity got the best of me. My hormones were out of control, and I was at my most vulnerable.

Watching movies I should have turned off didn’t help. Reading books I should have thrown away didn’t help. I was exposed to lust at home. On top of that, I wanted to be desired. I wanted to feel beautiful for once, especially after hearing throughout school how unattractive I supposedly was.

I’ve often heard people say, “I lost my virginity.” But I choose not to say that. I didn’t lose my virginity—I offered it before truly knowing my worth at the time. If I could have taken it back, I would have. But it was too late. I was in too deep, hooked like a junkie anticipating the next high.

As the days and months passed, because I knew the truth as a Christian, I began to feel deeply convicted. I also started to understand why God’s Word encourages us not to have sex outside of marriage. God is a God of wisdom. He knew the consequences that could come from sex outside of marriage—soul ties, addiction, perversion, and more. He was trying to protect us, just as any good Father would.

Sadly, I let God down. I entered into a sexual relationship—because that’s all it was—and it interfered with my once-beautiful, holy relationship with the Lord.

The Bible says:

“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God.”

—1 Thessalonians 4:3–5

“Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled; but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.”

—Hebrews 13:4

So what made me stop? How did I snap out of it?

There are consequences for disobeying God’s Word. My consequences came with keys—keys that opened doors I would later need the help of the Holy Spirit to close. But I am so grateful that the Lord ushered me out of that sexual relationship.

I cried. I prayed. I fasted—on repeat.

I couldn’t take my virginity back, but I could put a stop to pleasing my flesh, with the help of Jesus. Was it easy? No. Was it fun? Sometimes. But when conviction started kicking in, I could no longer enjoy what I once did.

In closing, if you’re beating yourself up right now because you’ve done something you wish you could take back, you are not alone. There’s no time machine to go back—unless one is secretly in the works—but seriously, Jesus can free you from the guilt of your sin. He has already forgiven you once you’ve truly repented.

The Bible says:

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.”

—Romans 8:1–2

Choose today to lay your guilt at the altar. You don’t have to wait for church doors to open—Jesus can meet you right where you are.

Amen.